Topher

 This post could be titled "I am the Worst Mom on the Planet." I keep getting reassured by Emma that this is not true. But it feels true. Here's what happened. Emma got Topher the Tortoise for Christmas about 2 ½ years ago. He's been a sweet little pet but he totally hated his enclosure. HATED. He would just incessantly bonk his shell against the glass walls to try to get out - I mean for hours. Finally we would just let him out and let him wander around the house. He had a few favorite spots he'd always hide in - most notably right behind our couch by the heating vent. He loved it there. We got less and less concerned about him walking around because he was so much happier. We just made sure to keep an eye on the back door - he did get out one time and made a run for the fence - we found him in the very back recesses of our yard. 

Emma had recently started an instagram account called speedy tortoise topher and was adorable about posting photos - some of them were slightly comical, like blurry photos of him in his hideout in the dark. But she loved him so much. (Noting the past tense here?) (*sob*) We took a bunch of photos so she could have a few better ones to post:

Oh my gosh these photos are killing me.

So here's what happened. Topher was out and about. And it was laundry day. Do I even have to say anything more? Oh it was so awful. I scooped up a pile of towels and threw them in the laundry. I noticed nothing until I switched the load to the dryer and turned it on. I heard one clunk and my heart just absolutely stopped. I ripped the door open and found little Topher there. 

You guys....this was one of the worst moments of my life. Topher was still alive and clearly struggling and suffering. We couldn't tell just how injured he was. We took him right out into the sunshine and tried to warm him up and let him rest and recover. He took some gulps of air but it wasn't long before we realized that he was dying. I don't think I have ever felt so awful in my life. I mean, I subjected a gentle little creature to absolute torture, leading to his death. Topher only lasted about a half hour after we got him out of the dryer. I can't really describe just how awful this was. Emma was of course just devastated. 

We created a burial site for Topher, right next to our doggie Alex. We carefully wrapped him in a cloth and Emma placed him in the ground. The kids and I gathered around him and each said some things we loved about Topher. We all shed some tears, even the tallest person in our family. He had to turn away and not show the eye-leakage. It was just absolutely heartbreaking. 

Sheri and Peter sent us cookies. Margaret did too. Cookies are helpful.

We are all feeling better but I'm going to tell you now that we will never laugh about this. A few people thought it was kind of funny - one of those stories you'd look back on and laugh at. I mean, it is just a classic mom moment, to scoop up a pet along with the pile of laundry. I heard stories about hamsters and vacuum cleaners, goldfish and kitchen sinks - it's all awful. But we are never going to laugh at this. I think it's partly because Topher lived through the whole laundry experience and ever since then when a load of laundry is going I hear the different cycles and just imagine the suffering he went through with each one. It sounds gruesome but really, that's what I thought about, and it feels like I have caused damage to the universe by making a helpless animal suffer like that. So I'm still repenting. I don't know how to make it right! By taking better care of our other pets? Not sure, but that's how I'm starting. I miss Topher! His little treks across the living room and finding him hiding around. Definitely not safe as it turned out but I sill miss it. 

Here he is the day before he died, randomly crawling over and around Troy's shoes. It entertained him so much he took a few photos that are now treasures. 

Topher buddy, I'm so sorry. Rest in Peace and I owe you some fresh kale, your favorite, when I get to the other side.