Two Months

Today is the Fifth of July. I can not let the day pass without acknowledging our son, Matthew, who was born two months ago today.

How are we doing? It's a question we hear often, and just as often struggle to answer. As for myself, I think about Matthew often every day. I find that some moments I feel as if the entire experience wasn't real and it's all very distant. Other moments I remember that I should still be pregnant, due in six weeks; should be feeling hot and wretched and excited and full of a kicking baby boy. Then reality comes and I am filled with an aching sadness, as well as a shock that this really did happen. There have been nights when I lie awake in bed and relive the days of May 4th and 5th with absolute vividness, like it's happening again, and this I dread for its pain and also savor for the sweet memory of Troy and me and Matthew together.

Sometimes I want to say that the past two months have been hard, but this is not true. They have been sad. They have also been filled with new love and appreciation for my family. They have taught me humility and asked me to be honest with myself in new ways. They have given me the gift of seeing where my faith truly lies. They have given me gratitude for the loving people that fill up our lives. Thank you, my many friends who listen, even repeatedly, to the things I need to say. Thank you, my friends who have sent your love in so many ways.

Troy and I still are working on ways to remember Matthew, which is a comfort. We can give a little to him each day that way. It is a comfort also to cry, because we do not want to stop feeling sad, to stop feeling. I think Troy especially feels even gladness when he sheds tears because he can still mourn for Matthew. Sometimes I want to shout out to everyone that Matthew happened, that he came and went and we are aching. And sometimes I keep my secret pocket in my heart all to myself, protecting its holiness.

The truth is that we know that Matthew is well and fine. We selfishly wish him to be here with us, but trust that he doesn't need to be here. I adore my beautiful children and beautiful husband. I feel deeply content and cheerful, even joyful. I look forward to meeting Matthew. We are grateful for him because even his loss has brought us blessings; sweetness to our lives.

Thank you for reading. I just couldn't let this day go by without saying the truth about what it means to us.




Paintings by Brian Kershisnik, who has captured many things in his work. My dear friend Haley gave me a book of his paintings, dedicating one to me called "A Holy Woman." Thank you, friend. Check out his website, especially the painting "Nativity" under his "Current Work" section.