1:30 in the morning, Matthew on the mind

Hello friends. You'll have to forgive this rambling, as it is occurring at a very late/early hour, but I'm feeling inspired. I have just spent a joyful and sorrowful evening with women whom I love. We gathered to support our friend, who is only 3 1/2 weeks past losing her baby, Asher. He was due on Dec. 30th. I felt so glad to be a friend to her. Losing Matthew was not easy, but I am grateful to be able to have helped my friend and welcome her into this strange little club of people who know a very tender kind of loss. I guess I am writing this entry to celebrate the fact that for the first time in seven months I've been able to write some feelings about Matthew that I haven't been able to. I'm supposed to be asleep but instead I'm at the computer writing and writing about him and it feels wonderful. A poem, which has been lodged in an unreachable place is finally taking shape in a way that feels very true. I'm grateful for that. I'm not ready to share it, but I wanted to document the satisfaction and catharsis of writing. I thought that because it didn't happen right away it might not ever happen, that the more time passed the less I'd feel. I guess the pot of emotions just needed to settle and clarify a little. I'm so glad, and grateful for my life, my husband, friends, my beautiful children. I know I write a lot about parenting frustrations, and I need to say that my children are darlings. Okay, this is kind of a weird entry. That's what you get for being privy to my journal, I guess.