Matthew Turns 15

As if it wasn't hard enough to try to picture what our Matthew would have looked like as a little baby, or toddler or even a kindergartener, it's now ever harder to try to imagine him as a 15 year old. He's such a sweet part of our lives that I just mostly imagine him as being a gentle, kind and thoughtful 15 year old. Who is tall. With dark curly hair. But that could be totally wrong. It's ok. It doesn't even matter. I just love him, and love thinking about him. 

We changed up our plans a little bit this year. With all of the other activity going on, Chase working, Romney constantly at school, we did not have a lot of time to go get a picnic and pick out balloons, drive up to our little Matthew park and hang out for the evening. But of course we really wanted to keep the day as our special family holiday. I really like what we came up with. 

This time we stayed home. We of course picked out good food to enjoy, but we stayed home and ate it on the back porch. Then we lit our little campfire and gathered in a circle around it. Any time our family has the time and frankly the patience to just be together, to talk and laugh, it is so joyful for me. And that is the blessing that losing Matthew has brought to our family. He has given us a time and a reason to stick together, to be extra loving, to look ahead to the day when we don't have to imagine his face any more. I feel strongly that he spends as much time with us as we need him to. 

Instead of sending balloons off into the atmosphere with our notes dangling from their strings, we wrote our notes and then tossed them into the propane-fueled flames of the campfire. I was thinking it might be a little anticlimactic but it wasn't at all. It felt tender and thoughtful. And meditative. 

Of course we did finish the night with a box full of treats from Gourmandise Bakery. That's become our go-to. No more hit-or-miss mom cakes.

Matthew, I was wish you were here to be getting your learner's permit right now, and be getting ready for your sophomore year of high school. I wish you were here to bug your brother and share his room. You'd be taller than me by now, if you're anything like Chase. You'd probably be grumpy. But I still wish you were here. We know, however, that you are never far away, and are a part of our family forever.